That's right. I dropped LJ since my last globetrotting announcement.
Life here in Taiwan, although good, is routine. It is routine in a way that makes writing about it redundant since I thought I did such a good job describing things the first few times. Sequels seldom live up to their originals.

Finally there is something to write about (write home about, perhaps).

It seems I've gotten by with a little help from my friends (Nicole in particular) and the entire sponsorship and visa process has concluded... rather swiftly in our favor. So based on the expiry date of my wife's LANDED IMMIGRANT VISA, we'll be returning (for good, we hope) next May.

Where will we live? What will we do? Many questions remain... but it will not be routine again for some time.

Five years ago, disheartened by the lack of good nighttime activities in the greater Vancouver area, I decided to turn expatriate and put some money together working in Asia. My plan was to construct a portable venue, build a network of people interested in its use, and slowy recoup my investment. Much has happened since then, but the plan remains the same. The time has come to put that plan in motion.


To coincide with the marriage of my sister, Lindsay, I will be returning on the fifth of June this year. (And yes, Sandy, before you ask, I'm certain of the wedding date this time...)

So it's been a few months, and much has happened. Only the following I deem worthy of comment.

We went to Guandong, to find the factory that makes large inflatable things out of pvc/nylon/vinyl fabric. Getting around Guangzou was an adventure mainly because I hadn't done the same deep research and painstaking preparation that had gone into the Thailand trips, and we were at the mercy of cab drivers and opportunists until I learned how to use the metro (once again, a Bombardier product, identical in appearance to Vancouver's own Skytrain).

I hadn't done the research because I had a local guide. My buddy AJ, of many parties ago, manages shoe factories in the very same city, so I figured he'd be there to help us out. As luck would have it, he had to be in Taiwan unloading a container when we were in Gz, so there was no love.

Guangzou is a dirty city that is frantically trying to look clean. There are hunched peons with brooms at every bus station, busily sweeping grit into the already hazy air. I'm accustomed to tapwater that's unfit to drink, but the showers there actually smell funny, and I was sure to keep my mouth shut the whole time.





Another noticeable difference from Taiwan is the lack of scooter traffic in the city. This, I learned, is due to a government ban on scooters and motorcycles. The ban is due to a rash of scooter-based purse and camera snatchings. (I can't help but recall the scene in Full Metal Jacket.) Commies.



After a few false starts, and a whole day wasted visiting the industrial zone on a day when the power was out and nobody was there, we finally were able to evaluate the capacity of Chinee Inflatables to produce a working portable air-supported structure.







I asked them about thermal sealing, and they didn't even know what that was, so its sewing machines, glue, or nothing. The material samples looked decent, but the seams are the big issue in terms of product lifespan and the number of blowers needed to keep the frame rigid. I may actually go with a US manufacturer.
We shall see. Now that I've seen what they have and what they're capable of, they can't bullshit me over the phone. This is totally necessary when dealing with businesses in mainland China.

To celebrate a successful mission, we had buffet. I noticed a tray of mixed vegetables and what appeared to be giant larvae.

So I had to try some.

Delicious larva.

Then we went shopping.

Penny is determined not to enjoy school. She misses her dad, and resents being left here.

Teacher Matt: "Let me see what you're coloring... a black house..."
Penny(stoically): "yes"
Teacher Matt: "And a black tree... black clouds... a black sun?"
Penny: "yes"
Teacher Matt: "And, oh.. a blue dog. Why is the dog blue?"
Penny: "I like dog."

Over the years, I've learned to get a perverse sort of enjoyment from most of the daily barbarisms committed by these supposedly civilized people here in the somewhat nation of Taiwan:

Parking on the sidewalk.

Or anywhere else within no more than ten feet of one's destination. (Why should you be demeaned by walking in public when you can afford a car?)

Ten hour school days. Red-green color blindness. Open fires in the street.


"Fashion"


"Safety"(note the helmets)


And lots of other things I have no name for at all, other than "general silliness"...










What I don't find so amusing is having to wake up at 8:30 on a Sunday morning because some old guy down the block died.

It's one thing to set up a tent in the middle of the road and put the dead body and all the guests in it. Why book a temple or high school gym, or any sort of actual fucking building at all when you can block the street in front of your house and sit your guests on plastic patio furniture? That makes perfect sense. And of course genuine expressions of grief are not sufficient for the dutiful mourner, so you have to hire professional crying ladies and a sort of grief MC who sounds like a distraught auctioneer. And a brass band. Ok. For a procession, of an hour or so, a brass band is not out of reason. But then you need the high-powered amplifiers so that you can inflict your artificial paid-for grief on total strangers several blocks away for two whole days.

I daily reap the benefits of indifferent and/or incompetent police, so I know how far calling in a complaint will get me. Some time in the future, I may be amused by this memory, but for the moment I am not amused, and there's nothing I can do but bitch and moan to you.

My visit to Canada was hurried. My regrets to anyone if I left too suddenly or showed up unannounced, but that's just how things had to go this time. I was happy to see you all(if I saw you), and am sorry I did not have time to see you (if I did not).

A special thanks to my new Sikh friend for filling in for Dave, who was supposed to fill in for me, moving furniture. I hope that thing I made for you did its job.

After more than four years of living in Taiwan, I finally made the trip to the beaches of Kenting on the southernmost tip of the island. All it took to convince me was a free ride in a huge black mercedes and five simultaneous beach parties.

Ever since that week in Miami, so many years ago, there has been a special surreality to having the smell of the sea, sand under my feet, and bassbins the size of a house reminding me that I'm mostly made of water. The juxtaposition of natural and technological extremes is poetic. The sense of poetry is an excellent starting point for dancing all night.

The cool ground was dry. The cool wind was high.
Never did I imagine that eating dirt could be so much fun.

more soon.
really.

Rumours of my disappearance are overstated. I've just been too busy doing many things , none of which are exciting enough to write down. Well, they were kind of exciting, but not significantly different from the episodes already crafted and presented here.

I have a plane ticket. I will be in Vancouver from the 20th to the 25th of February. I'll engage in a whirlwind couch surfing tour, and vanish as suddenly as I appeared following Saturday night.

I've totally forgotten everyone's phone number, so if you wish to be contacted please reply below, or email me or something.

Its rare that I find a tv show that doesn't make me groan and cover my face whenever a character tries to do anything more complicated than talking or opening a door. The few that I have found watchable still betray me on occasion, and those betrayals stand out strongly against an otherwise solid background.

Prison Break: Frequently well-researched, albeit largely implausible. Implausible is fine so long as its possible. A show is a story, and a scene is put together for a reason. There are better ways they could have handled these scenes without drifting off into unreality.

-When escaped convict "Teabag" gets his severed hand reattached in an animal hospital, the veterinarian performs flawless neurovascular surgery under durress in a dark, non-sterile environment and there are no bone screws, no cast, no splint... his whole forelimb held on with stitches and tape. Solution: Just let him lose the goddamn hand. Child molester + amputee = better.

- When the quick-mix cap they put on the opening of the escape tunnel is totally seamless, and exactly the same color and gloss as the aged concrete around it. Solution: none. The show milked that secret tunnel like fifty times purely to create suspense, just milk it one less time.

- When Scofield (the geeky structural engineer) strangles a much larger convict from behind with one arm (in five seconds). Solutions: 1) make the other convict smaller. 2)Borrow a Judo book from the library and have Scofield do a proper goddamn choke. 3)Give scofield a box cutter (the producers would never allow this, as Scofield is clearly not murderous, even if it means saving his prison doctor girlfriend from being gang raped).

- When C-note is summarily discharged by his field commander in Iraq without a court marshal or any proceedings at all. Like it's that easy to get out of the army! Just do something bad and they send you home!
Solution: It's back story. If you can't think of a better unjust basis for a black man to be in prison, just leave it out.

Twenty Four: They do all kinds of things RIGHT on this show. People take corners wide when using pistols. Cars don't explode when shot. People who are shot go straight down and are basically immobile. Agents don't stand around with their fingers inside the trigger guard of their weapons. (one of my personal favorite details! How to not accidentally put a hole in your own leg.) They still get the choke wrong about half the time, but that's still half right!

They lose me:

- When Jack Bauer breaks someone's neck with head scissors. (He's done this like three times. It's his "special move". Solution: Breaking someone's neck is not a reliable, high-percentage move, and Kiefer Sutherland is not a powerfully built guy. If Jack HAS to take someone out and finds himself without a weapon, he usually manages to improvise one, and this is outstanding. "Hit him with a rock." They should stick to that formula. More MacGyver and less Seagal.

Also, there is a way to strangle someone with the legs. Not as dramatic as breaking the neck, but it, you know, actually is within the realm of possibility.

Guess who's back
(money on my mind)
find me in the club
its better than yours
crazy right now
hey sexy lady
can you handle this
baby lets go
pump it up
keep it rockin
jump around
lets get retarded
up in here
yeah you know me
this my shit

We had a press conference the day before the fights. The sponsors got their time on TV, the guys came into the ring and demo'd a few moves. The SWAT team rappelled from third floor balconies and proceeded to show a series of moves that proved to my eyes that they have never had to arrest anyone who resisted at all. What was the swat team doing there? This is Taiwan. I was surprised they didn't have Russian dancing girls and circus animals for the press conference as well.

The fights took place the following day. I donned my surgical gloves, got my yellow and red cards in my pocket, and had my first close look at the opponents my guys would be facing. Andre's guy has gotten bigger, by at least five kilos, and there is no pre-fight weigh-in, so there's no way to tell. Tayo's guy looks about the same, and I still don't think he can hurt Tayo at all. His match is first, so I get to find out.

Judo guy opens with a sloppy thai kick and then a rolling axe-kick attempt that Tayo avoids by moving his head six inches. They clinch, and predictably the judo guy throws Tayo, there's a huge crash as they both land, and he transitions from side control to mount. Tayo escapes mount, counters the next throw, takes the Judo guy's back. Judo guy escapes, throws Tayo, takes Tayo's back, Tayo escapes.... This goes on for three minutes and they're both knackered when the bell sounds.

The second round is more of the same, with Tayo countering about a third of the throws, and position changing back and forth without anyone doing any real damage. The fourth time Judo guy is sitting on Tayo's chest, and he COULD be punching Tayo in the face, but he's too tired from throwing him around. Tayo offers him his arm, but Judo guy doesn't take the bait and keeps his position. Third round, their mouths are open, their hands are down, and Judo guy gets sloppy closing in, Tayo grabs his head and lands a beautiful knee to his face. He's a tough SOB and doesn't go down, closes for a throw, and again passes Tayo's guard and mounts him.

Tayo bridges and rolls into Judo guy's guard, stands, and with his last ounce of strength goes for an ankle lock. Leg submissions are not things you attempt with your last ounce of strength. The longer the fight goes, the less power you can exert on those strong connective tissues of the lower body. So the fight goes to a decision, and Tayo loses on the Judges' scorecards. For his first fight he did really well, and I don't think he has anything to be ashamed of.

Andre's fight was much shorter. The cameras were rolling, the lights were on, and the bell rang. Andre took the center of the ring and when his opponent threw an inside thigh kick he moved straight back instead of circling, kept his head up instead of changing elevations, and when the first jab landed on his cheek he got pushed into the corner and ate a combination that put his nose somewhere in the vicinity of his left ear. Two more punches landed in the time it took for me to get between the fighters, and with his nose fountaining blood I half carried Andre back to his corner. TKO.

I didn't stay for the other fights. Andre's parents took him to the hospital for x-rays. Three weeks later Andre was back at practice. He told me that the bell rang and he just forgot everything about the game plan, he thought he was Mirko Crocop or something and was going to win this on the feet. If you're fighting a wrestler, don't wrestle. If you're fighting a boxer, don't box. He played to his opponent's strength and he got caught.
Having two foreign objects up his nose for three days hasn't deterred him at all though. He wants six months to heal up and then he's going to ask that guy for a rematch. I told him we should go see that retired boxer in Taipei and get him some proper head movement first. His opponent's accuracy and combinations have really improved in the last year, and it will not be an easy takedown.